Nirvana & Naming

Just found an errant page that belongs to my unpublished novel. As I read the lines that were written five years ago, I was struck by the power of the words. The voice is that of Gabrielle writing of her soul mate, Jon, in the pages of her personal journal.  They are young adults who met as teens through an online game. Here is a small excerpt from a larger piece:

"We have shared so much

It is truly an incredible experience to be completely known

Every raw nerve, every idiosyncrasy exposed

And through this naked unveiling,  we remain close

Not frightened away by our own realities....

Sometimes we react in a series of classical conditioning scenarios

that we are unable to prevent from playing out

But no matter, we always find our way back to each other

Back to that feeling of being totally and utterly connected

To each other in body and soul

You take me to the highest heights

You make my heart soar

Over and over again

I am with you every time

Every single time

Calling out your name

Before I take that final leap off the mountain

You answer, "Gabrielle, I'm coming"

And you are right behind me; along side of me

Landing in a heap of blissful exhaustion at the bottom of that mighty mountain

Two blind people assisted by heightened other senses

Making sense of the world they have created

Living to love; loving to live........"

 Afterwards I picked up my copy of This I Believe, The Personal Philosophies Of Remarkable Men And Women edited by Jay Allison and Dan Gediman and read an entry by writer and activist Eve Ensler entitled "The Power and Mystery of Naming Things".  This quote really struck me:

"Naming things, breaking through taboos and denial is the most dangerous, terrifying, and crucial work. This has to happen in spite of political climates or coercions, in spite of careers being won or lost, in spite of the fear of being criticized, outcast, or disliked. I believe freedom begins with naming things. Humanity is preserved by it."

Not sure why both of these pieces struck me enough to place them together here in Kaleidoscope, but I'm going with the suggestion of my muse and perhaps later I will find a connection......

Copyright Michelle Beckham-Corbin 2011-2012

An Invitation to Join the Dance

An Invitation to Join the Dance


Take my hand and place it in yours
Intertwine our fingers so that I can hold onto you
Forever
Close your eyes and listen to me very carefully
You are very, very precious to me
You are my heart and my soul and my everything
I want to spend the rest of my life with you
I want to wake up every day and go to sleep every night
Having witnessed your smiling face, your laughing eyes
I want to make you my wife
The queen of my life; the holder of all that is good in the world
I want to be with you forever
I want “yes” to be the sweetest word that I will ever hear
I love you.








Copyright Michelle Beckham-Corbin 2010

Christmas Ice

Snow slowly falls, and I gaze out the window
seeing your reflection etched into the glass
reaching out to touch your face there in the frozen pane
I am struck by the cold radiating through my fingers
and the physical pain pulls me back
Back to the room; the place once a source of happiness
hosting now only emptiness and shadows

It is times like these when I am alone and
Surrounded by the memories that you come achingly back to me
Your laugh, your voice, the touch of your fingers on my lips
all the memories come crashing back shattering my brain
until I can no longer move
Immobile, I sit frozen in time, frozen in space
hoping beyond hope that you will somehow appear;
released from your resting space in the sky
And melt my chains of loneliness away


Oh what I would give to have you back just for one day
To tell you all those things I couldn't for so many years
the things that I kept hidden inside
waiting for the right day
Who knew that the right day would never ever come?
Who knew that you would be taken away from me so soon?


A canvass half painted- you were a work of art in motion
You inspired me to be my best; you knocked me down a peg
When I became too full of myself
You were my friend, my confidante, my everything
If you were here today, I would tell you this:
You made a huge difference in my life
And I loved you with all of my heart
I thought we would be together forever
Destiny showed her hand and it was time for you to depart
Suddenly your spark was put out and you were gone before
I could reach your side

I tear my gaze from the window and the falling snow
My frozen state of immobility has melted
The fire-hot tears that fall silently from my eyes
cracking the ice in my heart
I feel again....but it is pain
Will it ever go away...........






Copyright Michelle Beckham-Corbin 2009

Life Cut Short

Wondering if your memory will continue to fade
until I can't remember the sound of your voice
The touch of your hand on my face remains
like a phantom limb, gone but ghostly there

Your musical influences continue to rear their heads
every time I have a choice of stations
The power novels stare back at me from the book store shelves
whispering, "remember when we used to read aloud to each other?"

Frost will forever be personified by the image of you reading
and our discussions on fate and the road less traveled by
are burned into my memory

All of those starry nights in which fantasy came alive in the
vessels of our imagination
Rivaling anything that Steinbeck would have written

I thought that my grief was over, that I could move on
yet I hear your voice faintly at my window
like the scratching of tree branches on a windy night
calling my name, calling me back, calling me to remember
your face, your voice, your green eyes

but you are gone forever
no longer able to walk beside me on this earth

God, I loved you with all my heart
I gave you everything I had
and in return, we lived a life of roses and sunflowers
You were my best friend, and I yours

Why did you have to go and leave me all alone?
Why were you taken from me so soon.






Copyright Michelle Beckham-Corbin 2009

KALEIDOSCOPE: ODE TO A DREAM.....

Contemplating where you are, as the sheets of rain hang down
like beaded curtains in a 1970s era room
the music was always the link between us
but the words no longer call my name

The verses no longer take me back
nor do I feel that catch in my breath, in my heart, in my spirit
at the memory of your voice, singing in my ear
or the guitar strings strumming my soul

Yesterday is gone and today is done
We now exist independently in the tomorrows of our life
So invigorating to finally be free to be who we were meant to be
We are young and the sun is rising on the rest of our days

The strength that we have gained from each other
propels us forward as we make our separate ways in the world
Even though the pull is gone, I know that we will remain friends
And that one day we will find each other again,

If only within the pages of Dreamscape......

Copyright Michelle Beckham-Corbin 2009

A Millenial Kind of Love

It’s like that itch that just can’t be scratched

The feeling of want

Building with each passing memory of other

It can never be completely consumed

Some deep dark internal part broods in silence

Wanting the parched lips to be moistened, not quenched

Wanting the hunger to be alleviated for a moment, but not sated

Wanting to exist in the “in between”:

That place between obsession and satisfaction

“Live in the moment,” he says

How does one do that when love was once upon a time

Yet intimacy remains?

They are the best of friends, but with something more

The love is there, but it’s not romantic love

The romance is there, but it’s purely platonic

They read poetry to each other by candle-light

But insist they are no longer in love

They share a passion for indie bands

He softly strums guitar into her ears

But they are only friends

Gone is the obsession, the wild abandon

The need to be everything and all consuming with each other

Time can quickly pass into days, perhaps a week with no contact

And yet they come back together easily, seamlessly

They have a secret language, full of code words

They have secret meanings that no one else understands

They hold sacred memories of each other

And know the most intimate details about each other

Details that only a lover would know

They are friends.

They are lovers.

They are not in love.

Welcome to the millennium.

Copyright Michelle Beckham-Corbin 2009

THERE YOU ARE........From 2005

There you are, standing still in the doorway of time

Your figure is shrouded in thick fog

And a light emanates from your form like an aura

You beckon with one finger

A smile softly playing upon your lips

Do I reach out and trust?

Do I let the fog of the unknown envelop my soul?

I extend my hand and you firmly grasp my fingers and pull me through

I have crossed the threshold into another world

A world of fantasy where anything can happen and

Everything usually does

A world of Technicolor brightness, where night ceases to exist

And death is only a temporary hindrance

Where people are timeless and hours pass like minutes

Where the most important person in the world is you

In fact, the real world stops in your presence

And only the here and now actually exists for me

It’s as if there are only two people left in the world,

All else is just white noise screaming through the bright night

The sweet sound of souls colliding

And words being knit into the fabric of a life

As hearts beat an ancient rhythm that keeps

Life blood flowing up and outwards

Sustaining a life for an eternity

There is no more fear; no more remorse

Self-doubt has been obliterated

Only the joy that intense emotion births

Exists deep within your soul

Peace flows through your veins

You are safe, you are home

Securely moored in a life that will last forever.

11/14/05 Michelle



Copyright Michelle Beckham-Corbin 2009

True Love is a Soul Connection

I travel through the familiar green canopied forest
Hearing the sons of the song birds from long ago
The brook still gurgles and calls me back to that place in time
When you captured my heart
When you claimed me as your own

Lying in the spring grass, we debated the poetry of Roberto Bolano,
contrasting him against the powerful words of the American, Robert Frost
Taking time to breathe in the mountain air
To watch the clouds float by as they periodically blotted out the sun
Closing our eyes and feeling the presence of each other
Our only music: the natural sounds of the forest

How could I know that our discussions on fate and destiny
Were in reality preparation for walking the path alone
For being without my friend, my confidante, my soul connection?

I feel your presence at every turn of the trail
My feet carry me along, guided by memories
Your voice resurrects itself inside my mind
I can recall each word from your lips:

"These feelings that I feel are far too powerful for words.
I can't describe this as love, because it is so much more.
It is contentment, passion, love and caring; but most of all,
it's a deep spiritual connection that has no name.
Gabrielle, you complete me."

"Wishing so badly that you were here....",
I whisper into the wind, but I know that
You are gone forever,
Your essence mixing with the universe,
sustaining new life forces

I know that somewhere you are smiling down on me
I feel it in my heart and
I know that I will find you again someday.

It's a fact that Soul-mates last forever....


Copyright Michelle Beckham-Corbin 2009

My Love For You Is Real

Love is that incredible intense connection you have with another person that transcends all else. You make your way through the world with that hidden, inner feeling that warms your entire body, knowing that you are truly loved for who you are and what you represent. That body smile of perception that can transform into a tingling feeling that reverberates throughout your being at the sound of his voice. Knowing that somewhere out there is another human being that gives a damn about you and will lay down their life in exchange for yours. A connection that reaches across time and the universe to remain strong: a soul connection for all eternity.

Happy Valentine's Day to the greatest love of my life...............

Copyright Michelle Beckham-Corbin

RANDOM THOUGHTS..........

TRUE LOVE IS FRIENDSHIP ON FIRE!

TRUE LOVE

True Love. We hear this term all the time, but what actually is it? As my pre-teen daughter relays all of the school crush news and who is "dating" whom (can it really be dating if they don't even talk to each other on the playground, but instead lurk through very vague text messages????), it makes me recall all of my past relationships. I think we can all remember that special high school significant other whom we thought at some point we would marry, perhaps penciling his name entwined with ours in a series of hearts all over our Algebra II book cover. There have been many loves in my life in high school and college and of course some major infatuations (which must have been so high on the infatuation scale, that I knew even back then that it was not love). Don't worry you will remain nameless to the world!

But have you ever experienced a time when you let your true love go, knowing that it was the right thing for them while maybe not for yourself? Cameron and I went to see Will Smith's Hancock movie today- yes I know it came out last summer, but we found it at the $1 movies- hmmmn, well now its the $3 movie, but anyway , I digress. In the movie, we see an immortal love, in which in order to live, the two lovers must sacrifice self in order for the other to exist.

How excruciating it is to let the love of your life (up to that point any way) go because that is what is best for him or for the situation. What courage it takes to do what John Hancock did at the end of the movie: to leap off the top of a building hoping that he would be destroyed or at the very least be carried away so that Angel (Mary) could live. She lay dying on the hospital gurney, her heart flat-lining, the electric paddles slapping her lifeless body off the table until.......... Until his ultimate sacrifice.

The novel that I have been working on deals with a number of issues, but the underlying theme that unites them all, is the notion of true love and sacrifice. Here's something that I included as a journal entry for one of my main characters:

An Invitation to Join the Dance

Take my hand and place it in yours

Intertwine our fingers so that I can hold onto you

Forever

Close your eyes and listen to me very carefully

You are very, very precious to me

You are my heart and my soul and my everything

I want to spend the rest of my life with you

I want to wake up every day and go to sleep every night

Having witnessed your smiling face, your laughing eyes

I want to make you my wife

The queen of my life; the holder of all that is good in the world

I want to be with you forever

I want “yes” to be the sweetest word that I will ever hear

I love you.

Here's to all those courageous people in the world who have walked away from the love of their lives. I hope you found another love, another situation, a new heart.

PEACE